There are many options. You might try changing the version of the shared code and then have the assembly which references the shared code set the properties on the reference to indicate that it is version specific.
There are many options. Create a different assembly for each project, i.e. share the actual underlying C# files but have a different Visual Studio project which builds a different assembly.
There are many options. Literally install the shared assembly in the GAC (I understand why XCopy is easier).
Sounds like your problem might be your approach to shared code. For example, I think that if the sharedcode assembly is already loaded from a previous add-in then it will not reload. Perhaps the references should be Version Specific?
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